Tamps and Hoops

Today I have a guest blogger for your reading enjoyment. The guest is my daughter "The Bee" and she wrote a post last year that was actually a compilation of emails that were going around one Monday morning following a week long stay at the beach by a couple of my sisters. This post came to my mind because "Lynn" is the same sister who is now moving "Down The Farm". Let me just add that this sister "Lynn" is 47 years old. 

The picture came from here

To keep ourselves awake and motivated at work, my family sometimes has an impromptu chat room in the form of e-mail chains. They are often insightful and always hilarious. I had to share with readers of The Bee, a snippet from the conversation today. Please excuse punctuation/spelling/grammar - this was not intended to be published.

A little warning for the boys - this is about some delicate female-issues, you may want to just stop now.


A little background for those of you still with us - when I say "my family" I really mean the women in the family. I come from a fairly large family with LOTS of sisters and daughters. A male birth has been so rare that we celebrate it with a ritual sacrifice. Not goats or chickens or anything - pretty much just pastry. Come to think of it, we pretty much celebrate everything with a ritual sacrifice. We're hard-core like that. Anyway, this past weekend two of the sisters ("Lynn" and "Louise") went on a little vacation to the beach and there were some issues with tampons.

**Buggys made an excellent point - you should know that "Lynn" is not some stupid teenager. She is in fact a grown woman with stupid teenagers of her own.

Lynn says:

Okay, here goes......and this does not go on anyone's blog......Last week down the beach I had to use them. Haven't ever used them much before and it was horrible. With the first couple I was scared to cough, and having just been sick, that was an issue, so every time I coughed I held myself hoping it didn't just rocket fire out. Then I decided I needed to use super plus. So I bought new one's. However after the first one of those, which were a little different, when I pulled it out I realized that I had left the cardboard on the tampon itself. Now it was a little unraveled due to the absorption of bodily fluids, hopefully it is all out of that area by the time I go for my yearly. I have to say they are a dangerous product and should be used by only experienced personnel!



Louise says:

I took Frank off of the email for the rest of this story! Lynn was a riot, the tampon issue was hysterical and luckily nothing rocket fired out of "the area". The first day she was quite concerned (as one might assume, having never really used tampons before). Hoofing it back and forth to the truck to get to a bathroom to make "the change" gets to be quite time consuming (and hot and exhausting). So, in her infinite wisdom, Lynn became a pro the second day. There was going to be none of that walking back and forth, sweating, losing a good parking spot, etc. So, she decided to change her tampon in the parking lot at the truck. Granted, it was ingenious, and she did quite well and came well prepared. She had JR's truck all week, so she opened both doors, hiked the right leg up on the truck, took out and put back in a new one ... INGENIOUS! She came prepared with bags, wipes, tweezers (for cardboard parts if necessary), five extra bathing suits, a sign saying "take a picture it will last longer", etc. She was a PRO after only one day. OK, there were really no tweezers, extra baby-hoots or a sign .. but it made the story sound better.

Now ... on Thursday, the waves were a bit big... fun, but bigger and rougher than normal. Lynn was sporting a pair of sterling silver hoops that JR had gotten her and wore them every day. By the way Lynn, they enhanced the look everyday, kudos! We got in the water and it wasn't but seconds later when a wave smacked her in the head and one of the earrings fell out. Upset she was ( I would be too). Michelle and I looked up on shore just to see if it had washed up, it hadn't. Next day, there she was sporting the earrings, where was it you ask .... I'll tell you. She took her bathing suit off that night (after mind you, the rest of the day on the beach and an hour and a 1/2 ride home to JR's house), it fell out of her crotch! Now, how could ya not feel that one? Well, I guess coming from the woman who stuck the cardboard up there, you could understand why!

All was well in the world of Lynn by Friday, no tampons, earrings were in ... BUT the water was too damn rough to even get in.

Idol Smackdown 2010!

Yes reality TV. This is the only reality show that I watch and I am ADDICTED to it! Nine seasons of addiction. Several of my family members and friends are into it as well. This year we are doing a little competition (smackdown) amongst 12 of us, mostly the sisters and daughters (hereafter referred to as "The sister"). We have a spreadsheet, rules, etc., and all to be in the winners circle in May to win.....bragging rights for a year!
The deal is that we each have to choose an Idol, we did that on Thursday morning. Then each week we choose the people that we think are going home, then points are awarded accordingly.
Last night was the results for week #1 of the competition and already it was a crazy, unexpected upset! The voters (as in a congressional election) are a little wacky. As Michael Sleazak of Entertainment Weekly said: "....still flummoxed by the fact that those cats... are paying the price for singing misdemeanors while musical felons like Jermaine, Tim Urban, Alex Lambert and Lacey Brown will live to threaten us again with (how can I state this in a politically correct fashion?) their "creative selection of notes".
I don't think you can imagine the volume of emails that the sisters are shooting around on the morning following an airing of Idol. I have a sampling:

Jen: Ok, it gets serious this week dawg. Put your Randy pants on and start figuring out who for you, for me is a little pitchy.
Jamie: Di Di's my girl.
Jen: Don't pick until you hear them sing goober.
Jamie: I'm not picking yet dodo I'm just saying she and I are bff's.
Jen: Kirk and John are playing but DO NOT include them in the hen-chat emails.
Stacy: Follow me beotch's. As last years winner I am good!
Jamie: I totally split my pants at Giant last night. I had to lean down and check myself out.
Chris: Those thongs don't really provide much coverage, huh? Kind of reminds me of tamps and hoops!

Chris: I'm going to make another Mojito
Jen: Is it me or does Alex Lambert have a half mullet/half Zach Efron?
Chris: I think he does. Kris Allen is easy on the eyes but I'm over hearing renditions of other people's songs.
Jen: Get used to it. When you hear the song Kara writes for the winner, you'll be wishing they were singing Lady Gaga songs again. The song she wrote last year was just tragic.
Jen: Why are these girls wearing spiders and shit on their heads?

By the way, I have ZERO points as of last night! Crazy voters. Next week I'm getting serious. Who to pick?

Ski Patrol To The Rescue!

The other day I was in my basement looking around at all the crap for an old webcam and I came across some family vacation pictures in a box. When I say family vacation I am talking about extended family; my three sisters, husbands, all the neices and nephews and generally a couple of friends as well. We travel in packs. It's always more fun with the whole group! The picture above is one of our skiing holidays at Wisp ski resort at Deep Creek Lake. We have been to Deep Creek Lake many times over the years, it's a fun place in any season.

Featured prominently above is my sister Sherri, yes, the one with the soft cast on her leg. None of us are exactly Jean-Claude on skis but Sherri, well, you want to avoid her at all cost. A kamikaze with the ski poles! Ski with her at your own risk....she will take you down with her. She's done it to me.

As I recall this incident happened on day 1 of a week long vacation. We were just warming up, getting in a groove, on a beginners run and down she went! I came around a bend and noticed a familiar heap on the side of the trail, nope she wasn't getting to the bottom under her own power. Off I went to to get the ski patrol. I had forgotten to bring my camera with me and I'm so angry with myself for not getting pictures of her coming down the hill on a stretcher!

You know I grabbed the camera before I took her to the emergency room! Oh, relax, it's not like she had a bone sticking out of her leg or anything! I couldn't help laughing at her sitting in a wheel chair at the hospital. It was such a cliche! Oh, you know, she pulled a ligament, nothing serious. She refused pain killers as we had plenty of the liquid variety back at the chalet.

Really, knowing Sherri, this was perfect because it got her out of cooking or doing dishes all week! Don't scoff, I know her.

Wii Battle

New Years Eve was lots of fun. We laughed continuously, we snacked a lot, drank a bit. The battle of the bands? Didn't go quite as we had planned. Ok, we lost miserably. Can you believe it? Oh, style points....We ROCKED with our Sgt. Pepper look! Our opposing band consisted of my hubs, bil, and 2 nephews. Of course the nephews play Rock Band all the time and are able to play Metallica behind the back and with their eyes closed. Consequently, The Beatles songs were a snap. Drat! The gents went first and scored VERY high. Then the Sisters were up. We caved under pressure, yep, a couple of meltdowns during Ticket To Ride and that was the end of it! REMATCH!


We broke to regroup and have another drink. Then on to competitive Wii bowling. All out, take no prisoners, we needed a win badly! Well, the injuries got us. On the third frame I'm pretty certain I pulled a hamstring. I tried to walk it off, played through the pain because it's all about the team. This Wii stuff is not for sissies. For now I am on the injured reserve list

but recouperating nicely. I am at home nursing the Wii hammie and I will be back!