I Must Burn My House Down

I don't want to do it, I like my house, or at least I used to like it. I really don't have another place to live either, except maybe with one of my children. What do you say kids, who gets Momma? Maybe I can still avoid it, I'll give it one more day.
Ok, 2 days ago I crawled out of bed all bleary eyed, I'm so not a morning person. I was jamming my feet into my slippers thinking of coffee when I saw it! An evil, sneaky, jumping cricket! He jumped up and into my BED!! I grabbed one of my slippers and went commando. Under the pillow he went and I was right behind him and I was not letting him get away, oh the thought of him getting away!! I chased him across the bed, ran around to the other side but now he was under the sheets, ick. Now I have a pillow in one hand and a slipper in the other, screaming at the stupid cricket. I tripped on a cord in my haste (panic) and fell into the table knocking over the lamp (destroyed) and the clock. By the time I got myself back up he had zipped off the bed and under the dresser. He was playing possum and NOT coming out.
Let me explain that this was not your regular big, black, chirpy cricket. This was one of those creepy, smallish, brown ones that don't chirp. Silent and sneaky so you never know where they are.
Anyway, I ripped everything off the bed and threw it all in the washing machine. Later in the afternoon I went back into that chamber of horrors to look for that evil bug once more and hopefully, put some clean sheets back on my bed. I stuck my head in, nothing. Looked under the bed, no cricket. As I got up from the floor I saw him near the closet door. Showdown! Now I have not a wimpy bedroom slipper but a real shoe, got him on the first try. YES! My world is safe once more. Clean sheets on the bed, happy day.
After the sheets I decided to clean my bathroom. I have a big jaccuzi tub and you have to climb in the tub in order to clean it. I got in I wiped the surround and the window sills, feeling happy with the clean smells and the sunshine. I turned around and there in the tub with me was a giant cricket the size of a CAT! Oh yeah, no kidding. He must have been hiding in the water jet thing. I jumped out of that tub in a blink, slipped on the floor, banged my head on the door frame. The cricket was pretty happy in his bathtub because he didn't go anywhere while I was busy bruising my body parts. I murdered him with a hair brush.
To me, crickets are in the same category as boa constrictors. I'm ok with regular old bugs, mice, whatever. How would you feel about having your house virtually taken over by boa constrictors? Exactly.
As I said...I must burn my house down, it's the only answer.


The Bee said...

I'm literally crying here!

Unknown said...

Where are they coming from???

Maybe before you torch the house you can call a bug guy to come out and spray or something...might be less... ;)

tashabud said...

Poor thing you. I see spiders in our house all the time. I haven't seen one crawl into the bed sheets yet. I hate to think that they are there with me while I'm sleeping.

Yeah, a bug terminator guy is definitely be cheaper.


Lin said...

Really? A Cricket?? I think it is the Japanese who view them as good luck to have in your home. They actually have little bird-cage type cages to keep them in. Is that a "no" on that for your birthday gift??

Buggys said...

Bee, I know you're really feeling my pain here.

Staci, ok maybe a bug guy prior to torching. I could try it.

Tasha, I'm ok with spiders unless they are hangin down from the roof of the car ready to land on my nose...another story.

Lin, you have your demons and I have mine. Irrational? Maybe but so be it.

Anonymous said...

That is so funny - when we lived in Alexandria VA we had a cricket problem, some years worse than others - the basement was their hangout and the basement was also our guest room (it was a finished basement). One time my brother was visiting during a cricket fest and complained about have to listen to crickets copulate all night - he swears that's what they were doing. Luckily they never came upstairs...Whew!

Buggys said...

Grace - I'm in MD so maybe it's regional. Exactly...the basement! We all have crickets in the basement, the garage. Not in the bedroom on the second floor. I think I have some kind of hybrid creatures here!

Grampy said...

I am so sorry about the crickets. We are actually waiting to hear a cricket this year. My wife says a cricket in your house sometimes means you are going to move. Other times a cricket is just a cricket. My wife was actually feeding one in the house that we had.
Good Luck.

Jude said...

I like crickets and hear them chirping a lot the past 2 weeks, sounds like a chorus. We were always told that a cricket in the house was good luck, but if you get a lightening bug inside it meant a death.

Ann said...

what a way to wake up. after your ordeal I would probably have had to throw away the shoe and the hair brush.
So any takers from your kids to let you move in?

Maria@Conversations with Moms said...

That was hilarious. I with you the whole time routing for you.

Bob Johnson said...

Lol, love it.

Staci said...

I thought maybe this was going to be a post about how your house was worth more burnt down than at fair market value. I know mine is, but then you went and wrote about a cricket. I didn't see that one coming.

I tend to watch a lot of those bad, creature features on SciFi so when you said there was a bigger cricket in the bathroom, my first thought was you killed it's baby. Now the mama is out for revenge.


At least you better hope that was the mom you killed. If not, can you imagine how big the next one will be. Forget cat. I'm thinking pony size.

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